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Tuesday, 23 June 2015

Vaccination - Is it for Everyone?

The following is a speech I gave for a recent final assessment at Uni. The unit I was Public Speaking and my Lecturer gave me a mark of 96/100 for it. This is a very personal topic for me which I find  extremely difficult to discuss in public due to the potential ramifications it may have for my darling daughter. 

However, this is a subject I'm extremely passionate about. The way our children are being vaccinated now is nothing short of reckless. Our children are being used as test dummies while our governments encourage it under the guise of good health. 

It's Money... all about money... And until more of us become aware of this we will continue to cause more and more sickness and deaths in our future generations. 
I just ask you to pass this on if you find it a good read.
Thanks so much!

Carisa xxx

My name is Carisa and I’m a non-vaccinator! 

That feels good to say out loud. The guilt, the shame, the excuses. Ducking and weaving through uncomfortable conversations with questioning school mums, trying to avoid the issue. Feeling like a criminal. The media, blaming me for children’s senseless deaths,  blaming me for the pain of grieving families, blaming me for the recurrence of childhood illness.

On April 12, this year our wise and concerned Prime Minister announced that the ‘no jab, no play’ campaign would be widened to include ‘no pay’. It appears the government is concerned about the 39,000 children aged under 7 who are unvaccinated, due to their parents conscientious objections.

Well, I’m a mother and a Kinesiologist and I became a conscientious objector. My daughter, Arabella is 7 and is not vaccinated. But, I was not to know the impact of that decision until she turned 2.

It was then that I noticed, sometimes after eating she would get a bright red rash from her mouth down her throat and chest. I couldn’t pinpoint it to any particular food and then one morning after feeding her scrambled eggs, she projectile vomited and the rash come out bright and instant. 

Our pediatrician ordered multiple allergy tests, and after enduring hundreds of pin-pricks down her tiny little legs, the diagnosis was clear. Severe egg white and egg yolk allergies were confirmed along with a number of less serious ones. 

But what has an egg allergy got to do with vaccinations?

You see if I had have accepted the governments vaccination protocol and given Arabella the Measles, Mumps and Rubella vaccine at 12, 18 months and again at 4 years, I would have been injecting into her blood stream the exact ingredients she’s highly allergic to. MMR (as it’s called) is cultivated in chick embryonic fluid, which becomes just one of its more questionable by-products. So although no-one can tell me for certain what might have occurred, vaccinating Arabella could have caused any number of health complications, ranging from mild responses like fever or headaches to more serious like long-term seizures, brain damage, deafness, autism or even death.

So can babies be screened first to check for possible side-effects before vaccination? 

Actually, if you read the fine print, there are disclaimers on many vaccines suggesting if allergies are in the family to let your doctor know. But since Arabella was still breast-feeding at 13 months, there would have been no way for me to recognise the allergy before her first MMR shot anyway. Too late then, right? 

And if you did bother to read the fine print on those extensive vaccine information pamphlets; you would certainly find some ingredients worth investigating. 

Chemicals include: Aluminium hydroxide, aluminium phosphate, thimersol, formaldehhyde, ammonium sulphate, glycerin, sorbitol, monosodium L-glutamate and  sodium chloride. Our children are being injected with these! 

And what about some animal by-products straight up in the vein: Gelatin, chick embryonic fluid, monkey kidney cells, bovine serum, lactose, and my favourite, human diploid cells from aborted feral tissue. I’m not sure about you, but that one just doesn’t feel right to me. 

But Surely since the Department of Health tells us vaccines are safe they must be though, right? Surely before they’re released into humans, vaccines are tried, tested, tried, tested and tried and tested a little bit more, right? 

Unfortunately this isn’t always the case. And with safety testing funded by the very companies that manufacture vaccines, there is virtually no independent evidence to prove or disprove their long-term safety. The Anti - Vaccine movement even claims that manufacturers purposely avoid testing ingredients for the potential to cause cancer, mutations, infertility and other serious diseases, so there is no scientific evidence either way, therefore diminishing their responsibility for health issues in the future.

So much information is now freely available with just a few strokes of your keyboard and with internet use increasing more than five times over the last 10 years, there’s little wonder the number of conscientious objectors has increased by 24,000 over that same period in Australia.

For example, you can read confidential, leaked GlaxoSmithKline documentation that reports increases in autism at clinical trials and exposes 36 infant deaths over a two year period from 2009 to 2011, due to vaccine-induced complications in the US.This kind of information has never been available before, and all thanks to the internet. 

The thing is, I understand and agree with immunisation as a process. It isn’t immunisation I’m against. What I’m against is the excessive quantities of combined vaccines, given in such quick succession, to such young babies, with such toxic fillers and stabilisers, all packaged up in a one-size-fits-all dosage and timeline schedule and now being forced onto our community with a yardstick of financial ramification. 

Now I know getting you all to jump on the ‘anti - vaccers’ bandwagon might not be possible after just reading this, so what I’m asking instead, is that you question your doctor, rather than blindly following their protocols. That you find out what’s going into your child’s bloodstreams, rather than automatically trusting it’s safe.  And that you take time to consider your options rather than being pressured into making potentially life-altering decisions within a few seconds.

Seek information, seek advice and seek help, we have the freedom to choose. Just imagine how different my story might be if I hadn’t.

And as for Tony Abbott, I don’t care how much money he plans to take away from me and my family, no amount of money is worth more than my child’s life. It is our right to choose. And I’m choosing not to vaccinate. 

That's the end of the speech.

Since my speech could only be 5 minutes long, there were a number of examples of evidence I found on the internet that ended up being cut out of this final version. 

Here's some of it:

Monday, May 11, 2015 a story comes out of California on by L.J Devon, about a vaccine- death cover up so horrific the parents were not even allowed to see the infant boys body. After a healthy boy was given 8 simultaneous vaccinations he died a day later only to be ruled as ‘sudden infant  death syndrome’, leaving the parents searching for answers even 16 months later. Eventually the autopsy revealed the baby boy was given a vaccine not approved for his age and an extra dose of the HepB vaccine. 

Tuesday, September 23, 2014, an Italian court in Milan awards compensation to a boy for vaccine - induced autism. It ruled that the 6 - in -1 vaccine Infanrix Hexa, administered in infancy, caused the boys permanent autism and brain damage. The presiding Judge, Nicola Di Leo took into account a confidential report (which is now publicly available on the internet) by manufacturers GlaxoSmithKline that evidenced adverse reactions to the vaccine, including five known cases of autism during clinical trials.

Sunday, October  26, 2014, Dr Kelly Brogan, writes on her website that after repeated requests through the Freedom of Information Act for original study documentation on MMR, an Immunisation Safety Researcher, Dr. William Thompson succumbs to pressure and becomes a whistle blower. These documents in fact show there’s a 3.4 fold increase in autism in African American boys, and yet the final study results were altered to eliminate the signal of harm.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012, in Rimini, Italy, Judge Lucio Ardigo found that the MMR vaccine caused autism in a 15 - month old boy. It’s findings were that the boy had “been damaged by irreversible complications due to vaccination (with trivalent MMR)”. A decision that directly questions mainstream medical beliefs that there is no MMR-autism connection.

Sunday, December 16, 2012, Christina England writes on about a leaked confidential GlaxoSmithKline document that exposes a total of 36 infant deaths within a 2 
year period after receiving the 6 - in - 1 vaccine Infanrix Hexa. But on top of those 36 deaths there were another 37 reported ‘sudden deaths’ since the launch of this vaccine in the year 2000. By the way, in Australia Infanix Hexa is the second vaccine to be administered, at 2 months old. 

Thursday, 30 April 2015

Violence - On the Increase?

Do you think violence is increasing? 

Or is our view of the world being skewed by the media to quench an ever - increasing thirst for blood and money? 

Murder, rape, torture, massacres, abuse, pedophilia, kidnapping, domestic violence, the coward punch, terrorists, suicide bombers, occupations, war, war and even more war. 

These are our headlining stories each and every day.

You see, if we’re to believe what we hear, violence is a pandemic, taking over the globe and increasing at a rate faster than a bullet exiting a gun.

But is this just a perception, or is the world really becoming more violent?

In my quest for answers I discovered this website called, the author, David Bailey has collected a variety of evidence on increasing violence which he published January this year. He details a book written by Steven Pinker, a reputable Harvard social scientist that suggests, if we were to look purely at evidence, the world in general is becoming less and less violent and is actually at it’s most peaceful stage ever in it’s existence. 

So why doesn’t it feel that way to me?

All I see is turmoil, sadness, grief and loss and so can’t help feeling nervous and quite a bit anxious about the future our kids are growing up in.

Some examples of what we’ve seen: 

Last year just after the MH17 disaster my gorgeous seven year old was watching a family show with us from 6.30 in the evening until it finished at 8pm. During every single advertisement break we were bombarded with either visions of body bags being pulled out and lined up at the MH17 crash site, or snippets of a current affair story on a convicted wife killer. 

I was appalled. Just look at this image. I know that if it bleeds, it leads, but when is enough, enough, and all during a PG time slot too?

Remember 9/11? How many times did you watch the buildings collapsing during that aftermath? People leaping to their deaths or being crushed as they ran away. This wasn’t a Hollywood blockbuster but the real deal. People were killed and yet we watched it over and over and over again. 

More recently, the Lindt Cafe siege took place in Sydney. Every television station, newspaper, current affairs show, and tabloid magazine online and offline pumped us with every, intricate detail of the 17 hour ordeal for weeks after the event. It was reported, re-hashed and re-lived many, many, many times over, so much so, that the initial seriousness of the situation began to get lost for me amongst the white noise of the journalistic flurries. 

One of the issues I have, is it seems meaningless to shield my daughter from violent video games and graphic movies, as she’s still being subjected to a constant onslaught of violence through main-stream media on a daily basis. Even when we’re driving in the car I need to turn the news off every time it comes on so she can’t hear about the latest murder, rape, abuse or attack. 

I get that gruesome sells more than happy, but the world doesn’t run on violence alone. 

There are wonderful people doing kind , generous and compassionate things everywhere, and yet they rarely, if ever, get a mention. I’d like to hear more about those stories, wouldn’t you?

From an article summarising data on violence in society written recently in December 2014 by Steven Pinker and Andrew Mack, I quote “Too much of our impression of the world comes from a misleading formula of journalistic narration”.

Well, that may be the case but what are we supposed to do? Is tuning out, unplugging or simply ignoring what’s going on around us the answer? 

With all our devices these days it’s virtually impossible to ignore these stories, and I must admit I can become morbidly fascinated with these chilling recounts too. 

So with all this violence taking over our airways, our screens and infecting our children, instead of pretending it doesn’t exist, perhaps it’s better to ask; is there anything we can do to counteract all this negativity? 

I think there is. 

Love! Yes Love. I know that sounds simple and it is.  As The Beatles put it so eloquently back in 1967 “All You Need Is Love”.

You see, with love comes compassion, understanding, empathy, forgiveness and acceptance. With love, we can stand next to each other as humans despite our differences in beliefs, opinions, governments and religions. With love we can move forward, joined by hearts and hands and work together towards the greater good of our human race. 

We need to love more, love with more and be more with love. We need to embody love, excrete love and spread love wherever we can. We need to teach our children to love by loving them unconditionally and without expectations.

Love needs to become the most contagious, most infectious, most indiscriminate, disease man has ever experienced. Perhaps then, hopefully then, love may become an epidemic of such immense proportions that the media cannot possibly ignore it any longer and will start to report on the good, on the kind and on the benevolent.

Let's Make Love!


Monday, 21 July 2014

MH17 Is Just About The Last Straw.

What's up with the world?

Seriously what’s going on? Afghanistan, Somalia, The Gaza Strip, Ukraine and Russia, now the MH17 passenger plane is shot out of the sky with 80 innocent children on board…

The world is going crazy and quite frankly I’m not understanding why in 2014 with all our knowledge, intelligence and skill there are still such serious breakdowns in communication on such global scales.

When I look at these major world events I can’t help but think that it all sounds like one great big, very long, never-ending lovers quarrel. The problem with these relationship breakdowns is there doesn’t seem to be an end in sight, and it’s not as cut and dry as getting a divorce.

Now I’m not here to give my political opinion but after watching ‘Gladiator’ for the umpteenth time the other night I realised the world we’re living in doesn’t seem to have changed that much since the Romans ruled the world. 

Countries are still trying to gain control of each other for resources, women are still identified by what they wear rather than what they achieve and men still consider themselves superior in everything from obstetrics and cooking to making weapons and playing sport.

Have we evolved at all? And why aren’t we learning from the past?

Right now with all this turmoil, sadness, grief and loss in the air I can’t help but feel nervous and anxious about the future our kids are growing up in. I don’t know about you, but this is not what I want my child to be influenced by.

Last night my gorgeous six year old was watching The Voice Kids with us from 6.30pm until it finished at 8pm. During every single advertisement break we were bombarded with either visions of body bags being pulled out and lined up at the MA17 crash site or snippets of a 60 Minutes story on a convicted wife killer. 

Really? At this time slot and during a ‘Kids’ program. 

After I cottoned onto what was happening I made sure to pause the TV during the ads so I could quickly fast forward through them. Of course this was after we had body bags stuck on the TV for several minutes while I worked out how to best avoid this happening again.

Stress, anger, violence, anxiety and depression are all on the increase in our society and no wonder - you only need to take a look at the news to figure out why. The more we see, the less we feel the full brunt of terror at these horrific events.

I mean how many times did you watch the buildings collapsing during the aftermath of 9/11?

And the issue I have is that even though my daughter doesn’t play violent video games or watch violent movies, she’s still being subjected to the influence of this violence through main-stream media. 

For goodness sake, can’t we at least keep some time slots completely PG?

But back to the communication issue.

I wonder what would happen if women ruled the world? Would it be different? Would it be more peaceful? Would we try to understand each other better? Would we talk more instead of just killing each others kids? 

I don’t know? Nobody knows and I can’t see the governments of the world abdicating themselves for female replacements anytime soon. 

But what I do know is that when I have a disagreement with my girl-friend, daughter, sister or mother (when she was alive), we talk about it, get it out, discuss our feelings, and find a solution. 

Yes, the solution might be to never talk to each other again, but at least it’s a solution that both of us appreciate, acknowledge and respect.

When I argue with my husband however, I often feel overwhelmed with anger, completely unheard, extremely frustrated and seemingly invisible (no matter how much I cry). 

Instead of feeling empathy all I see is selfishness and a total disregard for what I’m going through, mainly because whatever I’m going through can’t possibly be more intense than what he’s suffering.

So this leads me to wonder if all men react in this way (OK not all - but the vast majority perhaps) even to their nearest and dearest what would they be like towards a true adversary, someone who believed in something as mortifying as…. oh let’s just say… a different ‘god’ for example? (Please note the sarcasm!)

I’d be surprised if empathy, understanding, compassion or forgiveness featured in their exchanges. And I can only assume there’d be little if any respect, equality, support or justice. 

All of these things just feel so sad, so unnecessary and so avoidable. Maybe I'm just a bit naive, but seriously, I reckon we can do better than this. 

So what is up with this world is perhaps an easier question to answer than I thought… The real issue is how the hell do we go about fixing it?

Please! Lets Make Love! 

Carisa xxx 

Tuesday, 24 June 2014

What's Stress Really Doing To You?

Stressed? Yep I have to say I am. Am I always stressed? No not always, but right now I'm really feeling it. Does it affect my relationship with my husband? Absolutely! Does it affect anything else? Of course it does.

Stress is something we know can cause serious health and emotional issues but it can also have a huge impact on our relationships too.  

From first hand experience I can affirm how detrimental stress can be on your loving connection. I know when I’m stressed I have a tendency to withdraw. I don’t like to talk about what’s wrong and I just want to be ‘left alone’. 

It often takes me a few days to digest what’s going on, sort it out in my head, segment it into bits and then work out how I feel about it. It may take me another couple of days to decide what I need to say about it. 

Sometimes it never really makes sense in my head and I just say what I’m feeling. That can be good and it can be not so good. If I’m angry and resentful then I can’t help but blurt it all out without a real understanding of the effect it may be having. 

At the time though I don’t care - I just need to get it out. 

My husband feels attacked and becomes distant which is of course the exact opposite to what I really need. And since it’s very unusual for only one of us to be stressed at a time the distance causes more stress and the stress causes more distance.

We end up in a perpetual stress cycle, only making each other feel worse.

On top of dealing with my husband there’s this brain fog which takes over. I can’t think straight, my decision - making processes are restricted and everything seems to be that much harder and take that much longer.

Not only that but I have far less patience to deal with my (demanding only child most of the time) 6 year old daughter. I’m short tempered, easily agitated and down right angry which certainly doesn’t make for positive parenting at all.

So what is stress and why does it happen? 

Stress is the fight-flight-freeze response of our autonomic nervous system. It’s useful to keep us out of danger or help us to react quickly in panicked situations like swerving out of the way of a truck or bandaging a broken bone and rushing to the hospital.

The problem with the stress reflex is that our primitive bodies aren’t able to work out the difference between real and perceived danger. Our physical reactions will be the same whether running away from a killer bear or getting stuck in traffic, late for school drop-off.

Stress is also very subjective. What I consider to be stressful, you may not and so it’s often difficult to quantify. I love public speaking for example but ask my brother to make a speech and he breaks out in a sweat and does everything possible to avoid it.

Although stress is a pretty normal occurrence in today’s busy, fast living society, too much can cause serious long term effects. But since it’s so subjective how do you know when too much is too much and how are you supposed to tell when you’re overloaded?

This diagram shows a number of different ways stress can manifest itself. 

If you’re suffering from a number of these symptoms on a recurring, long - term basis then you may be headed towards stress overload. Our bodies are not wired to be in a stress response on a continual basis and this is where the negative consequences can start to occur. 

High blood pressure, an increased risk of heart attack and stroke, a depleted immune system, vulnerability to anxiety and depression, fertility complications and premature ageing are all potential health issues caused by chronic stress. 

Other issues that have a tendency to get worse when you’re stressed are pain of all types, digestive problems, sleep issues, weight problems and skin conditions like eczema and psoriasis. 

From personal experience I know my skin and digestion really play up when I’m stressed. Either I don’t feel hungry or I over-eat and my hands break out in psoriasis between my fingers and on my knuckles. The worse my hands are the more stressed I am and I know I’ve pushed it too far.

So here are my 9 top tips on how to reduce stress and begin functioning on all cylinders again:
  1. Relax - Find time to relax. This is often easier said than done and I totally get that. But this could be the one thing that saves you from reaching breaking point. You could try yoga, meditation, Tai Chi or Qi Gong but just taking time out to do something you enjoy for yourself is equally beneficial. 
  2. Exercise - This is essential if you’re going to find long term relief from stress. Even just a 20 min walk 3 - 4 times a week will provide enough positive endorphins to help change the way you perceive your stress. I don’t suggest excessive exercising during stressful periods as this can deplete your immune system further so instead do something fun. Join a local team or club or take up a sport you loved as a kid again. Concentrating on something other than your stress even just for a short period allows your brain to clear and energy to return.
  3. Eat Healthy - Get to know your body by feeding it what it needs to be more efficient and effective. By nurturing yourself with good food you’re sending positive messages to yourself and you’ll end up with a greater sense of self love and confidence. Cut out sugar, high processed everything and eat more lean meat, fruit, vegetables, wholegrains and nuts.
  4. Drink more water - For our bodies to function at peak performance they need water and lots of it. The problem with dehydration is it has a cumulative effect. If you’re dehydrated one day then the next you’ll need to drink even more than your daily requirement to catch up. 
  5. Cut out caffeine and alcohol - Since caffeine is a stimulant and alcohol a depressive neither are going to be good for a body already in a stress response. They will only serve to make your liver work harder, stressing out your body even more. Try changing to herbal tea and drink  coconut water or vegetable juice if you need a drink with flavour. 
  6. Sleep better - Sleep can be effected two ways. Insomnia can be an issue as can over-sleeping. Adults need around 8 hours a night and the best time to go to sleep for optimum rest and recuperation is before 10.30pm. Getting your circadian rhythms back to normal is imperative and can greatly assist lowering your stress levels.
  7. Talk to someone - Don’t suffer in silence! Find someone to talk to and if you feel you don’t have a trusted friend, family member or mentor then call a helpline like Lifeline to speak to someone anonymously. Getting someone else’s opinion can help put things into perspective. Another set of eyes will see things differently and so they may be able to give you ideas on how to move forward that you never even considered. 
  8. Write it down - Sometimes just getting your feelings or issues out on paper enables you to feel a sense of relief and structure. Looking at them in black and white can also alleviate the imagined severity your brain is anticipating. We often make things seem bigger than they really are and writing them down can bring some reality to the situation.
  9. Make a plan - Use what you’ve written down to start a plan of attack. Break down what you need to do or deal with into small easily digested portions. Make a priority list starting with the most important or most difficult thing at the top and do it first. Don’t put it off for another hour. Just get it done and you’ll be amazed at the difference you feel. 

Stress is fast becoming one of the most dilapidating health concerns of our society. With such far reaching physical and emotional effects it causes issues in all our relationships and connections. 

Getting it under control and managed well takes time, patience and persistence and if you’re feeling overwhelmed then be sure to seek professional help.

Lets Make Love 


Monday, 2 June 2014

Why Am I So Damn Angry?

Anger? Most of us get angry from time to time, but some of us struggle to keep our anger under control. It can rear it's ugly head far too many times than what's considered acceptable - not just by others, but ourselves too.

I don't consider myself to be an angry person and yet lately I've noticed my fuse getting shorter and shorter. What's really started to concern me though is my reaction to my 6 year old daughter at night.

For some reason instead of being the loving, caring and nurturing mother I pride myself on being, at night I become some kind of she-devil and my fuse isn't short it's completely non-existent.

The other night my daughter had a nightmare. After already being up twice at 12:30am and 1:00am it was now 2am and to be honest I wasn't buying the nightmare excuse. I guess the crying and screaming 'mummy' should have confirmed the said nightmare, but for some reason I wasn't feeling empathetic.

At first I tried to settle her down by cuddling and covering her back up, but all hell broke loose when I started heading back to bed. She started screaming and crying that she couldn't shut her eyes because her dream kept coming back.

With my 17 year old step-son downstairs sleeping, I was trying my hardest to stop my daughter from waking him up, since he had an HSC exam the next day. No amount of rationale was settling my daughter down now and I was officially 'losing it'!

Each time I would try to leave her room the screams would get louder and more desperate... Now from me not her. I've never hit my daughter and yet I felt so close to it, it frightened me.

In the morning I was incredibly remorseful for the way I reacted and vowed to be more patient and understanding if this should occur again.

But why am I so angry?

A number of my clients have been telling me that anger is one of the big issues in their relationships. Sometimes the anger is directed into the the relationship and sometimes the anger is directed outside of it. What's interesting is that both seem to have the same negative effect.

Anger is a primitive emotion, useful to ward off enemies. It also has the ability to manipulate and denigrate those not as 'angry' and is often interpreted as power. Some studies have even shown that anger can add to perceived social status by feigning importance.

There's little wonder then, that many of us think the only way to be heard is by getting angry. We're hard-wired to accept anger as being more powerful, knowledgeable and superior and we're more likely to give in to someone who's angry towards us.

Underlying feelings of frustration, upset, hurt, worry, embarassment or fright may be the cause of this anger and anger is the way in which these feelings are being expressed. The problem with anger is that it has an inability to actually fix an issue without causing more residual negative feelings to arise.

Anger occurs when we feel something has been 'done to us'. It's an emotion that usually has an external component. Even when we're angry with ourselves, the anger begins after something has happened to 'make' us angry.

The problem with anger is that if it isn't managed properly it can have far reaching negative affects on both personal and professional relationships. People with anger - management issues are more likely to get into verbal or physical fights, suffer with low self esteem, have anxiety or depression and alcohol or substance abuse problems.

The strange thing about anger is not everyone shows it the same way. 

Some people express it aggressively. Yelling, screaming, destroying property, bullying, threatening, showing off, ignoring others needs and perpetrating violence are all examples of this.

On the other hand anger may be expressed in a passive manner. Being evasive, giving the 'cold shoulder', using psychological manipulation, being secretive, withdrawn or self blaming are all forms of this type of anger.

These might not be the stereotypical 'movie' type of anger we're used to seeing in the media, but that doesn't make them any more acceptable or less dangerous. Actually I think sometimes these can be worse as they often last much longer than the violent aggressive type.

Ok, so how should you (and me) handle anger?

Like everything, different people are going to find different strategies that work for them. The most important thing to do is take notice of the warning signs and take action immediately so you don't end  up escalating the anger and getting out of control.

If you feel your temperature rising, your face getting flushed, sweaty palms, a dry mouth, tense in your muscles or unable to hear what's being said properly then it's likely you're experiencing the warning signs of anger.

Once you're in an angry state then you may become irrational, illogical, impulsive, overwhelmed or out of control. This is when your decision making processes will be skewed, you'll be more likely to participate in risky behaviours and violence whether passive or aggressive will ensue.

Here are a few simple tips to help reduce your anger when those warning signs are coming on:
  1. Take a deep breath in and count to 20. Close your eyes if possible and then slowly breathe out. Repeat this a couple of times and if there's someone in front of you still wanting to be confrontational explain to them what you are doing.
  2. Take a 'time-out'. Removing yourself from the situation can immediately alleviate your anger. Give yourself time to reduce your heart rate. At least 20 minutes is needed to do this so go for a walk, read a book or watch a movie. Remember to breathe deeply to get your blood flowing well again.
  3. Try creating a 'happy place'. Some people find it helpful to have a place they love already constructed in their memory to go to when things get tense. Imaging somewhere you feel comfortable, safe and secure is best but even somewhere that's fun is useful. I love snowboarding, so that's always my happy place. Go there in your mind and suddenly the situation in front of you isn't as bad as you thought.
  4. Use a script to control your thinking. When you feel your temperature rising start a positive self talk conversation with yourself. Say something like "This might upset me but I can handle it", "I'm calm and in control" or "I have the power over my emotions", over and over in your head until you believe it and you gain back your control. 
  5. Communicate differently. Instead of blaming the other person or situation try to find what the cause of your anger is before you go on. If you need to take a few minutes to do that so be it. Ask yourself what you are feeling besides angry? Is it frustration, loneliness or sadness. Then figure out what the need is in you that's not being met? This will give you time to calm down and you'll be able to express what you're angry about, rather than just being angry. 
Your ongoing anger management may also benefit from doing some of the following:
  1. Give meditation a go. This age-old practice has been used for centuries to calm the mind and heal the body and it's as relevant today as ever before. Our fast-paced lives leave little time for quiet reflection and we're often just so busy 'doing' that we forget about the 'living'. There are loads of great online programs for meditation and if you can get to a live class that would definitely benefit.
  2. Write down everything that makes you angry or upset. Some people like to keep a journal to re-read over what they're feeling and some like to take the piece of paper and burn it. I'm a journal keeper, but I can totally see the benefits of destroying those feelings in writing. My clients who use that technique often claim they immediately felt a sense of relief and an ability to let go of what was bothering them. Do both and see what works best for you.
  3. Increase your exercise or take up a contact sport. I have to admit there's nothing more satisfying than beating the life out of a boxing bag, especially when you're angry. When I was going through a pretty rough patch boxing was my saviour. Twice a week I'd take all my anger and frustration out on the bags and mitts. Just getting outside though and going for a walk, jog, bike ride, horse ride, surf, swim or anything you enjoy will help flood your brain with positive hormones and get you feeling better about life in general. Plus you'll be too tired to be angry. Big bonus there!
  4. Learn to communicate more effectively. Sometimes the reason we get angry is because we feel like we're not being understood. I know I get incredibly frustrated and very angry with my daughter when I feel ignored. Learning to communicate using non-violent communication has greatly assisted us. We talk about our feelings, our needs and our requests of each other and although sometimes it can feel drawn out, it actually ends up being more efficient in the long run.
  5. Learn to relax. This might sound simple and yet so many of us have a complete inability to relax. With smart phones, tablets, laptops and the internet in our faces 24/7 switching off is becoming a real issue. Find something you enjoy doing or better still, try doing nothing at all. I realised about a year ago I missed dancing, not just any dancing but ballet. So I found an adult class and started up again once a week. I love it! It's my time out from my responsibilities and I'm so busy trying to remember the choreography I totally forget about what's waiting for me when I get back home or to the office.
So next time my daughter wakes up in the middle of the night and I start to lose my temper I know I have some tools in my belt to handle it.

I'd love to hear what works for you. Please add your comments below.

Lets Make Love!


If you'd like more tips and advice check out my report '5 Mistakes Most Couples Make When They Argue'. Click here for instant access:

Tuesday, 20 May 2014

How To Never Argue Ever Again in 3 Simple Steps!

Does this sound familiar? You love your husband/wife/partner/significant other more than anyone else ever. BUT, when you argue you end up in a slinging match trying to out-do each other with derogatory name calling, belittling, character assassination, yelling, screaming, swearing and everything else in between.

Why is it that the most passionate relationships seem to have the biggest blow-ups?

Conflict is part and parcel of any great relationship. There are always going to be times when you disagree. Arguing can actually assist a strong relationship take the next developmental step. It can also put the final nails into the coffin of a weak one.

The issue isn't arguing as such but the poor way in which many of us conduct ourselves when we are doing it. The aftermath leaves us feeling empty, sad, upset, anxious, disconnected and insecure. You know that feeling in your tummy and that pain in your heart? It hurts doesn't it!

Arguing often starts after attempting to communicate something that's upset you and yet because of the negative effects a big barney causes arguing is also something we try hard to avoid. The problem with avoiding a potential argument is the issues are then also avoided, and the problems remain persistent.

So wouldn't it be great if you could argue without those negative side-effects?

Well you can... but it takes practice and patience and it's a lot easier to to achieve if both of you are on the same page.

Communicating is the most important function of a relationship and so it's my mission to help as many people as I can improve theirs. By using these 3 simple steps to stop arguing you are sure to start communicating better than you ever thought possible.

Step #1: Never Argue When You're Angry or Upset.
This is the absolute most important rule to follow. When your blood is boiling and you want to rip your loved-ones head off then it's time to stop. You both need to calm down. When you're angry you can't think straight and you're more likely to say something you don't really mean.

This is also the stage when violence towards each other can occur. Whether it's verbal, emotional or physical violence, they're all equally abusive. The negative effects of this kind of domestic violence is well documented and no-one should be living in fear of this occurring.

Take a time out!  Go for a walk or run, watch a movie, read a book or a magazine. Do whatever it takes for you to calm down. To help lower your heart rate stay away for at least 20 minutes. I think at least an hour works best, but make sure you set a time to come back together to resolve the issue and make up.

Personally I like to go for a drive. I turn the music up and scream my lungs out. In the car no-one can hear me and I get my frustrations out by screaming. It feels good and once I've driven around the block and maybe taken a look at the ocean I feel a lot calmer and ready to communicate again.

Step #2: Don't Blame, Finger Point or 'Kitchen Sink'.
You know how it feels when you're being attacked. The first thing you do is get straight on the defence and shut down. You can't hear, you don't want to listen and you're not at all interested in the other person's point of view. So don't do it this someone else.

'Kitchen sinking' all their past indiscretions is totally counter-productive. What's happened in the past should stay in the past. You don't need to build a case against them. You just need to address the issue. Throwing all their past mistakes at them at once will only create more defensiveness and further distance your lines of communication.

Stick to one issue only. Just deal with one issue at a time, this way neither of you will become overwhelmed. You will have a greater ability to resolve the problem by concentrating on it alone and you're more likely to be able to find a resolution.

Kitchen - sinking was a real issue for me. I was never able to just stick on one topic and my husband would end up defensive and completely close down. Once I realised it didn't help to bring up issues we'd already dealt with I stopped.

Now our communication channels remain open and we're able to discuss what we need with more compassion and empathy.

Say how YOU FEEL. When you're upset with something your partner has done instead of berating them and blaming them for all the bad they've done think about the issue in terms of how it's made you feel.

By expressing your feelings, being vulnerable and open you give the other person the opportunity to feel empathy towards you and your emotions. Feeling this empathy helps to dissipate the argument and allows them to see things from your side too.

Step #3: Stop Trying to Win. Why is it that we often treat our loved one as an evil opponent, stopping at nothing to 'win' the bout? The problem with fighting to win is that when there's a winner and a loser the only real loser is the relationship itself.

Instead of trying to win, why don't you try listening? Listening is the most important part of communicating and so few of us are able to listen well. Our minds wander, we think about something else and we're constructing our response even before we've heard what's been said.

Really Listen. Listening is a skill that takes practice and patience. Often when someone is telling you their grievances they don't want to hear excuses or solutions, they just want to know they've been heard and understood.

Try keeping your opinions to yourself and acknowledge what they've said by letting them know you are hearing how they feel. There's nothing more powerful than the feeling of being understood and knowing that the other can see your point of view - even if they don't agree with it.

Given that I'm rather opinionated and usually have loads of advice to give I've developed a strategy that helps me decipher when my opinion is warranted or when it isn't. Before I start to offer my advice I ask my client/loved one if they want to hear my advice or if they want me just to listen.

This works really well and then it's clear to both of us what the motivation is behind why they're revealing what they are to me, plus I then know exactly how to respond.

Win/Win Solution. Once you've heard (really heard) each other's view then you'll be in a better position to be able to compromise and find a solution that works for you both. The solution needs to accommodate both of your needs and should have an equal level of compromise.

When you find a solution that's a win/win for both of you the real winner is your relationship. You will both feel strong, confident, equal and secure and there won't be any residual resentment left over to creep in, in the future.

Being in any relationship, especially an intimate one of marriage or life partnership will see it's fair share of ups and downs. Anyone can enjoy themselves and have fun when everything is rosy, but when the proverbial hits the fan that is when the real strength of a partnership comes to the fore.

By communicating constructively using the steps above you'll have a much greater chance of being heard and understood. That way you'll be able to achieve a solution you're both happy with and be 100% willing to participate in.

Lets Make Love!


If you're wanting more great tips and advice on how to Never Argue Again, grab my FREE E-book
'5 Disastrous Mistakes Most Couples Make When They Argue'. 
For instant access - click here:

If domestic violence is an issue in your home, please seek professional assistance in your area today!

Thursday, 8 May 2014

Dedication To My Mum!

I lost my Mother from a very aggressive malignant brain tumour in 2007. From diagnosis to passing there was only 11 weeks and during those weeks we said 'Goodbye' to her on a number of occasions with the Dr's telling us she wasn't going to make it through the night.

They'd then pump her so full of steroids the next morning she'd be sitting up at her table out of bed eating, like nothing at all had happened the night before. After mum's initial operation which took place only 3 days after we were told the news, my mother was never the same.

It's hard for me to put into words the roller-coaster of emotions we felt, but I think it was the reality of the situation that was the hardest to deal with. How could this be happening to our beautiful, loving, kind, giving and clean living mum? How was this possible? And why to us?

Even in her half lucid states she tried to endow on us more of her pearls of wisdom and life lessons. She repeated how much she loved us more times than I can remember and we equally encouraged her to remain positive and stay with us.

Between my siblings and I we kept a 24/7 vigil by her bedside.  We weren't ready for her to leave so soon, maybe you're never ready to watch your parents die, but we made sure we were with her when she took her final breath. She wasn't alone and she was deeply loved.

As a young woman at just 38, my Mother left my Dad with 4 kids, my youngest sister being only 3 years of age. I think she then spent the next 7 to 8 years "getting over" the breakdown of her marriage and the loss of 'the love of her life'.

Actually I don't know if she ever go over it and the saddest part for me was that my mother passed without ever finding a more significant other than the man she left 20 years previous. In her last weeks she asked daily for my Dad and often re-counted stories of their courting like they happened yesterday.

In her mind they did and I guess that was her brain injury, but 20 years later she still hadn't found the love, companionship, devotion, care and friendship she so desperately yearned for all of her life. She never found a man to love her in the manner which she loved.

I often say she died of a broken heart.

I can hardly believe it's been 7 years. If I think about it too much the pain of losing her is still just underneath the surface and as I'm writing this tears are welling up in my eyes.

If you've been unfortunate enough to lose someone as close to you as my mother was to me, everyone tells you that time makes it easier.

I disagree! With time you don't cry as much, you get on with your life and you choose to feel joy but honestly, every year I just miss her even more and there's always that little part of your heart that's missing.

No one prepares you for the concept that forever is such a long time.

It's her smell I think I miss the most. She was a dedicated Chanel No.5 and red-lippy wearer and so I have to be careful in the department stores not to get an accidental hit of her perfume. A flood of memories ensues with the smallest hint and my heart hurts with the knowledge I can't see her.

But I am lucky!

My daughter was born only 10 months after my mother's passing and although they never met on this earth there are some things that have been so clearly passed onto her it's scary. Actually my daughter is so avid that she met my mother before she came into my belly, that I can't help but believe her.

There are other things..... My little girl loves roses. Big, luscious, full bodied red and pink roses are her favourites. I'm a lily girl so have never had roses in the house but from the time my daughter could walk she would trot into any florist she could to admire and smell the roses.

 My mother adored roses.

So much so that her dying request was that her four children split her ashes and bury her under a rose bush. The last property she lived in had an incredible rose garden.

She loved them like her babies and in her last few days when I was able to take her back to that property she insisted on inspecting every one of them. Walking at this stage was almost impossible and so my sister and I carried her around her garden.

My daughter loves Chanel No.5. I'm a Chanel Mademoiselle devotee and given the memories No.5 arouses, I have never owned a bottle. But one day when we were buying a gift for my husband, the very helpful assistant insisted she take some small samples for herself.

Of course the scent she decided to douse herself in was the one I'd tried so hard to avoid.

Pink, cream, lace and anything overly feminine and girly my daughter is drawn to like a moth to the flame. I know that's not too unusual for little girls but when she obsesses over things like doilies, then I feel a strong sense of mother coming through her.

Mum was a trained opera singer and as youngsters my parents started a band together doing all the usual RSL, weddings and party gigs. My little girl has her voice, something I can assure you skipped a gene in me. I can almost see my mother singing when my daughter is in full flight.

Compassion and empathy are not often characteristics of very young children and yet my daughter has cried in her bed because she misses her grandmother so much - a person she never actually met. My mother was the same. She felt your pain deeply and often reached out to assist those in need.

Our house was like a half-way house and even though there was never enough money for anything other than essentials our friends were always welcome. Over the years my mother took in a couple of our friends for extended periods, what started out as a weekend stay, turned into a year.

So although I miss my mother desperately and think about her every day I am also incredibly grateful that I've been given the gift of being a mother to an amazing little girl. Add to that she carries with her so many of my mothers nuances and characteristics I feel like my mother lives on in her.

To be able to have replaced the very relationship I lost albeit in a different context (now being the mother instead of the daughter) was a stroke of genius on my mothers behalf. Yes I blame her for me falling pregnant and my daughter seems to verify my belief, so I'm sticking with it.

Mum you were my best friend, my confidant, my motivator and my first love. You taught me about finance, sex, men and food, your passion for all these carries on in me.

Thank you mum! Thank you for all the fun, advice, intelligence, beauty, confidence, empathy, emotion, devotion and love you bestowed on me. Thank you for being my inspiration and for making me the mother, woman and person I am today.

I love you mum and will miss you forever!

Happy Mothers Day. Wish you were here.